Long Distance Relationships

I'll preface this post with the fact that I have never been in a long distance relationship (LDR for short).  I have seen many of my friends deal with the difficulties of being a part of one and instead of making stuff up, I solicited their advice and input on this one.

Well, graduation is almost here and this means big decisions for all you graduating seniors out there.  By now you've made the decision between grad school and/or getting a job.  The lucky ones have it all figured out already!  Graduation also means summertime for the rest of us college kids so we aren't exempt from making decisions concerning our personal lives either.  No matter how you slice it, things are about to change.  So, we all have to decide what friendships and romantic relationships are totally worth our time and which ones just might not make the cut.  Friendships and relationships don't maintain themselves you know.

The LDR is one of the hardest things someone could have to deal with in a relationship.  The whole point of dating someone is to spend time with someone you are totally into and this is really difficult if you are separated by hours of travel time.  After chats with my friends who have experience in LDRs, there seemed to be one main theme: comeplete dedication.  They said you must deeply care for the other person for the relationship to be fulfilling.  You must be willing to put in the extra effort to maintain the spark and excitement you get while in their presence.  Also, if you two are truly dedicated to one another there will be complete trust and security between you.  There shouldn't be worries of cheating or lying.  If you aren't secure with yourself, it will manifest itself through insecurty in the relationship.

I've seen it done successfully, and I've seen it fail miserably.  I've seen most every ending in between too.  But I promise you the ones that are still happily together are completely dedicated to their awesome relationship and partner.  It is doable, just be sure that you and the other person are willing to be completely dedicated to making it work.

he's just not that into you

Every girl should read this book!  I won't fool myself into thinking many boys would spend their time reading it though.  Which is fine since it was written for girls anyway.  The things written in this book seem revolutionary, but they aren't!  They are things we all inherently know but stifle and ignore.  We go around talking ourselves into liking these boys that just aren't that into us.  And why waste our time on someone that isn't crazy about how awesome we are??
I've selected my favorite chapters that every girl should read to remind herself of how awesome she is and what kind of crap she should never take from a boy.

Basically this one is for the girls :)

"He's just not that into you if he's not calling you": since the book was written in 2004, feel free to substitute texting in for the word calling.  If he wants to hear from you he will make an effort to have a conversation with you.  So, if you are the one that has to always initiate the chat, he's just not that into you.

"He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk": um, self explanitory!  He's only looking for a drunken hookup and you happened to hit that radar.  If you respond to those late night texts then you're only promoting that type of situation.  And, you are worth so much more than that.

"He's just not that into you if he's not dating you": I completely understand not wanting to settle down.  life is super fun and carefree when you are single.  But believe me if he thinks you are a keeper he will make sure to actually become your boyfriend.  And you deserve to have an awesome boyfriend who wants people to know you are his girlfriend.

Hopefully that little teaser has inspired you to read the book.  It's never too late to run out and get it, and hey, I've even got a copy I'm more than willing to share!

(official title: He's Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys    written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)

**By the way, watching the movie won't help you out on this homework assignment.  The movie was adapted to have a story line and a plot-as all movies should-but the book is better described as a self-help book.  For real, do yourself a favor and take a peek.  What's the worst that can happen?

Sexting

This is quite the sticky topic, but I am going to discuss it anyway.  Life isn't always picture perfect so I just embrace the awkward.  Now, some people are totally for sexting and other people dispise the concept.  I have some personal opinions but they do not need to be included for me to write about it.  I am going to set up camps for both sides and you can choose in which you'd like to reside.


Pros: Sexting can really spice up a long term relationship.  After spending months and years with a person, the sexual relationship can become stagnant.  Sexting them is a great way to shake things up and have a connection when you are not in each other's presence.  It can be an interesting way to hook someone in toward the beginning as well.  It's unexpected and can allude to an adventerous personality.


Cons: That stuff can come back to haunt you!  In the moment you may only be trying to form a connection, but what if the relationship goes south?  Think celebs like Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Brett Favre, and Tiger Woods.  All of these people were caught sexting and some of their pictures were leaked online.  Who wants their private business broadcasted to the whole world?  It can also create expectations that you are willing to actually do the activities described in the messages.  It might create an image that does not reflect the sender at all.


Tips:
1. Keep it classy.  Don't describe things you may not be willing to do or feel comfortable doing.  Also, don't describe yourself doing things that are degrading to yourself.  Know your worth and stick to it.
2. Never take a photo that includes your face.  No one expects a relationship to fail, but the truth is many relationships do.  And if it ends in a malicious manner, that photo of you modeling your hot body just might become a public pic.  If you were wanting that to happen you'd be modeling for someone who actually pays you.
3. Hide the evidence.  When that convo is over, delete it.  Get rid of the pics.  You don't want to misplace your phone and have someone find that.  Think of it this way: little sister wanting to play angry birds turns into human anatomy 101.


Hopefully this was enlightening for all and helpful to those who choose to participate.  In the words of Ron Burgundy: keep it classy.

Sports References

I am taking a time out from texting tips to bring you sports references!  This is mostly because of the NBA playoff and baseball fever that has seemed to infected everyone around me.

knockout: someone very good looking

strike out: to fail in the attempt to catch someone's attention and/or get with them

"He could go all the way!": famous announcer quote, he very well could have sex with her tonight

play/hit for the other team: to like the same sex, usually mentioned about a homosexual that a heterosexual may be attracted to

touchdown/homerun/goal/score: someone got laid

stranded on base: refers to the sexual bases, he did not "go all the way"

leading rebounder: someone who dates too many people too quickly after breaking up with the previous boyfriend or girlfriend

leading scorer: the person who sleeps with the most people

time out: code for I want to break up but I am too scared to do it right now

play the field: to date around, keep options open, not wanting to settle down

blocked: someone is preventing a pursuer from having sex

dove in: got too involved too quickly

go hard in the paint: trying as hard as possible to get with someone at a particular moment

referee: anyone who stops your game

game: your ability to attract others and/or seduce them

take a charge: have someone swoop in and steal your object of affection of the evening.

This list is obviously in no way comprehensive, and these things can have multiple meanings.  But I have given you what seems to be their most common meaning.  So, now if I use any sports references you know what I'm talking about because I just gave you a dictionary.

Happy Monday!

Drunk Texting

"I'mm with freindss at the bar uu??"

Oh my.  This text, to me, says "hey! I'm drunk and want to hook up with you!  But I'm not dating potential so let's leave it at that."  I surely hope this isn't the message anyone wants to send out.  If so, that's a whole different bucket of issues I'll have to tackle later.

Everyone that drinks has sent or received a drunk text at some point.  While drinking our inhibitions are lowered and we finally have the courage to talk to EVERYONE.  It's human nature, it's normal.  However, the only thing I can really say about drunk texting is don't do it!  I did a little research on this topic and here's a great quote from one of the books "Now's the perfect time to text because you look hot!  Yes, you look hot, but hey, guess what?  Your crush can't see that.  Word to the wise: anytime past 10 PM is never the right time to be catching up with an old crush.  It's 10 PM and the boy has already made plans.  Plus, with your late night text, you've pretty much already agreed to make out with him without him having to lift a finger.  You've set the tone for the type of relationship you are willing to have."

Well said ladies, well said.  I can't really add to that.  The book has a silly name but it's totally worth the money.  Flirtexting by Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz

So, when it comes to drunk texting, enjoy the ones you get.  But for the sake of your image, don't do it!  Just enjoy the night and don't be the serial texter in public!

Late Night Texting

It's Friday night, you've texted a new crush all week, but haven't heard from him or her all day.  The clock reads 11:03 PM and you finally hear that magical sound of your phone notifying you of a new text.  It's your crush!  You are so excited to hear from him or her that a conversation instantly flows from your fingertips.

Slow down crazy, slow down.  Why hasn't this crush texted you all day?  Did you think of that?  Has he or she been so busy all day long that sending a 10 second text was absolutely impossible?  And why is he or she suddenly available after 11PM?  I'll tell you why: it's a booty call.

If he or she was genuinely interested in getting to know you and spending time with you, you would hear from him or her during the daylight.  Think about it from the other side, when you really want to text someone and chat with them, you don't wait until the day is almost over.  You may start texting them as soon as you wake up.  It is highly unlikely that you would wait until the day is over.  So here's my advice for responding to a booty call text: DON'T.  I suggest responding the next day.  But if you feel you absolutely must respond to their every text try this, "I'm out with some friends, but I can chat tomorrow!"  Or if you want to become the late-night-text-potential-only person text away my friend.  Just remember, you have the ability to control how they treat you, and the ability to give away that control.

Texting 101

Let me continue on with the topic of texting.  It is now the way of the dating world.  Relationships start, end, and live through texting.  Heck, most of the people between the ages of 13-40 practically do all of their communicating through texting.  So, there should probably be a few guidelines regarding something so central to our lives.

First, keep it to 160 characters!  It's limited in size for a reason.  If you can't keep it short then you should probably just call.  No one likes receiving 6 different texts that combine into a giant novel.

Second, if you wouldn't say it in person, what makes it ok to say over text?  This can go two different ways.  If you would never say something rude to someone's face, don't text it.  If you don't have the guts to tell someone you love them, then maybe your feelings aren't as strong as you thought.

Third, when the convo is over, let it end.  You do not have to be the last one to text.  Most times it is better to let him or her be the last to respond (it leaves them wanting more!)  Think about it, how annoyed do you get when someone responds with pointless texts just to keep a conversation about nothing going?  If you said it doesn't bother you and you enjoy staring at your phone all night, maybe you should refer to my last post...

Happy texting!

Serial Texters in Public

What do you see when you look at this picture?  I'm hearing "don't approach me, don't talk to me, because I am clearly talking to someone who I think is more important than the people standing around me."  That may sound like a bit of a harsh analysis, but a lot of people look at serial texters and hear the same thing.

We've all done this, or at the very least we know someone that has.  We get invited to go out with some friends but other friends keep texting us and we keep responding.  Before we know it the night is over and we never actually talked to anyone standing within ten feet!  I call this being anti-social in a social setting.  Be honest, how attractive are people that stare at their phone typing all night?  Not very.  So, what makes anyone think that he or she looks popular and attractive by staring at a hunk of plastic all night?  Instead we should all pocket the cell and really focus on enjoying the company we have right there with us.  Those people on the other end of the phone will quickly make an effort to have more of that "Face to Face Quality Time" learn how super fun and social you are!

Getting Turned Down

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye0nteYSdN8

Victoria Justice: Beggin' on Your Knees

This song perfectly describes how everyone should feel when they get turned down by someone they are interested in.  "One day, I'll have you beggin' on you knees for me."  She's talking about how the person that turns you down will realize what they missed out on and regret it.  It's so true.  I've seen it happen many times.  I've seen so many guys and girls get turned down by someone whom they thought was such a great person and get devastated.  Then, sometime later, after finding someone else and finding happiness, the person who originally turned them down doubles back and tries to go after something they apparently never wanted.

Here's my advice for those of you who have been turned down: be thankful that you didn't have to spend anytime with that jerk!  When he or she doubles back once they see your happiness with someone else, just take it as a complement.  Make sure they know they missed their chance and you have moved on to greener pastures.  You'll be happier and they will be left standing alone.  You don't deserve the heartache of being turned down, but you do deserve the happiness that comes with finding someone better!  Go find your happiness!

Face to Face Quality Time

Nothing will benefit a relationship more than actually being in the presence of someone you care about.  Facebook, Twitter, texting, and Skype are all great ways to keep in contact with someone you cannot see often; but they are no substitute for the old fashioned date.  It has never made sense to me how anyone can be in a relationship in which they never actually spend time with his or her significant other in person.  Anyone in a long distance relationship can attest to the amazing feeling you get from simply occupying the same physical space as a significant other instead of talking on the phone or texting.  Skype has helped us out a bit with allowing us to see some facial expressions, but the ability to reach out and touch someone is still lacking.
 So, if you are dating someone or talking to someone who will not make the effort to come visit you or take you on a date, he or she probably isn't worth your time.  You deserve to have someone want to spend time with you!  You deserve some face to face quality time!

Know the Real You

My first post serves as the base for everything else I have to say.  You cannot be truly happy and present in a relationship until you know the real you.  We all pretend that we know exactly who we are, but we all know that's a lie!  Seriously, you can google Chickering and Student Development Theories if you don't believe me.  We all go through stages in life, and those stages center on discovering more about ourselves.  Now, what does this have to do with relationships?  EVERYTHING!  How are you supposed to know who you are and what you want if you are too busy learning about someone else?  Most people don't learn how important this is until after a breakup, myself included.

So, once I realized I didn't know myself that well, I dedicated an entire year to discovering the real me.  And to be honest, it may have been selfish at times, but it was wonderful!  How else would I have had the chance to discover that I love trying new food, traveling, watching new movies, and dancing my butt off?!  It also gave me a chance to create deeper friendships because my friends were willing to try these new things with me.

My advice for you is this: get to know the real you.  Go try new things.  What is the worst that can happen?  I'll answer that, you'll learn that you might not like it, and that's something you will have learned about YOU.

Be real, be you

Nyssa