Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

Cheating something I believe is unforgivable in a relationship (we're talking dating only here, people).  Cheating in a marriage is something I don't know anything about and have no business discussing.  So I'll stick to what I know.  Continuing to date someone who you know cheated on you only tells them that it's okay if he or she does it again.  They might get a slap on the wrist, but you're not strong enough to leave their cheating butt behind.  So basically you've given them the go ahead to date you and sort of date someone else at the same time. 

"But he/she really loves me!  It would never happen again.  You don't know us and how much we love each other."  Well, clearly I know he or she didn't love you enough to stay monogamous.  And that doesn't sound like strong and pure love to me.

Then, there's the flip side.  Don't be the cheatee; do you thing of yourself as a homewrecker??    And don't tell me that excuse that they don't really love their boyfriend or girlfriend, they are in love with you.  That's a smelly load of lies.  I'm pretty sure the dictionary definition of love does not include a clause for cheating if he or she is currently in a relationship.  They would do the mature thing and break up with him or her before even considering taking your relationship to a physical level.  And to be honest, if you're looking for a solid relationship with someone who truly cares for you, that stuff should wait awhile anyway.  But I'll talk about appropriate timing for escalating your relationship to a physical level a different day.

So what did we learn today?  Relationships have rules that shouldn't be broken.  Rule number 1: don't cheat on me.  Rule number 2: no second chances to those who do. 

Cheaters never win, just ask Jim Tressel.

Get up and do something

In my last post I left you hanging saying you can't talk to your ex, but you need to do something! I gave you 3 ideas of stuff to do that might take a couple of hours. How are you supposed to keep your mind off of the relationship if it is only occupied for a short amount of time? Well I set myself to creating a list of things to get you started. I've tried to compile a starter list of what has probably been on most of our "to-do" lists for months or years. Tackle one of these and you'll definitely thank yourself!

1. Go through your closet: get rid of those clothes you never wear. I know people that keep 20-30 items in their closet because they have no need for anything else. Donate the old stuff to Goodwill. Hey, if there's anything in good condition that is in style, take it to Plato's Closet (or whatever store agrees to give you money for your old clothes). You can use that money to buy a select few, quality items to restock your newly spacious closet.

2.Go on a Facebook detagging spree. We all have professional lives and need to make sure they stay that way. And there's nothing professional about your friend's PCB or Cancun pics of you taking that tequila shot off of a stranger, or vice versa. And don't be afraid to detag any unflattering photos. Facebook is your representation of yourself to the world, so why would you leave a gross picture up to share?

3. Sort through your iTunes and remake all of your playlists. I have a playlist for almost any occasion; you should too!

4.Read those books you bought at the close-out Borders sale but haven't had time to read yet. They're not expanding your mind by sitting on your bookcase.

5. Learn how to play the guitar, you know you've been dreaming about it for years. Maybe you even bought the guitar in hopes of motivating yourself. What is stopping you now?

6. Print off pictures of you and your friends to fill those vacted frames sitting around your room/apartment/house/desk.  Empty frames are boring, and frames filled with pictures of your ex are worse.

7. Travel around visiting those places you stare at in books.  Maybe that means catching a baseball game at all of the parks in driving distance, or checking out the 

unique architecture you don't get to see everyday.  Speaking from experience, visiting new places is eye opening and inspiring.

 
8. Take up a brand new hobby that always seemed interesting (like pottery, plants, or wine tasting?).  You will gain something new to offer and talk about in your next relationship!

9. Volunteer somewhere!  You have all this time to give so give it to someone or something that needs it.  Become a Big Brother or Sister, fight for a cause you believe in, help out at a soup kitchen, build a habitat house, the list continues.  Helping others usually helps you more so than them.

Hopefully that list will get you started on a path to getting over him or her.  Now you don't even get the excuse of "I can't think of anything to do. wahh wahh wahh"  Too bad I thought of things for you.  Now go be awesome!

Sometimes being selfish is a good thing!

Here we are, a few days into the breakup. It still hurts, you're still just as sad, and you feel more lonely than the minute it happened. So, you reach for the phone because there couldn't possibly be any harm in seeing how he or she is dealing. Besides, it would give you someone to talk to.

Please don't pick up that phone. It's only going to lead to heartbreak. You guys decided to split for a reason, and you both need to stick by your decision. Nothing has drastically changed in those few days, so getting back together will lead to the same result. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

Instead recognize that this time to yourself is a gift and you might never have the opportunity to rediscover yourself again. Most of us don't get the luxury of focusing on ourselves, so relish it! Be a little selfish. Go see that movie you've been dying to see, join that gym you stare at while driving by, heck go skydiving! Do those things that you've never been able to do because you've been busy focusing on your relationship instead. I promise that eventually you'll distract yourself with all the fun activities and won't feel the sting of the breakup. And one day, that sting will disappear completely.

When the sting is gone, you'll be glad that you took the time to be selfish and truly enjoy yourself. Plus, all of your friends who don't have time to do whatever they want whenever they want will be jealous, yet totally supportive.

It's called a breakup because it's broken

I've been brushing up on my reading, and this is my latest book. 

I haven't ended a relationship recently, but the book looked like it was stuffed full of good advice.  And it definitely is!  So, I'm going to write a few posts to help navigate anyone that is going through or has gone through a break up recently.

The thing that really sucks about a breakup is that all of the sudden you no longer have that great friend around to talk to and share things with.  You were used to always having someone there when no one else was.  But now, that person is gone.  And it is lonely.  But, no matter how lonely it gets, remember that he or she looked at how awesome you are, evaluated the relationship and basically said, "eh no thanks.  I'd rather hang out with someone else."  Or, you said it to them.  No great relationship has one or more people saying it's just ho hum.  Good quality relationships consist of two happy people that want to spend all that time together.  So, while the loneliness is tough to deal with, I'd say it's better than spending time with someone you don't want to be around or someone who doesn't want to be around you.

Instead of trying to fill that loneliness with unsatisfying relationships or habits, focus on you.  Figure out what you liek and spend all your time doing those things.  Wouldn't it be awesome to meet someone new who was totally into those things too?

Hot Mess

This is one of my favorite terms.  It can be the perfect description for some moments in life.  But, having a hot mess moment is in no way the same as being an actual hot mess.  To clue everyone in on how a hot mess is defined, I went ahead and Urban Dictionaried it: "An attractive person, usually female, whose appearance is detrimentally affected by their level of drunkenness."  aka: their level of drunkiness makes them unattractive.  Still not getting the picture?  Think Lindsay Lohan:

 

She transformed from the loveable girl next door from the Parent Trap

to the epitome of a celebrity hot mess.

Seeing a hot mess while you are out with your friends is an inevitable part of going out.  There are always guys and girls who decided to play Drunky McDrunkface for the evening.  The bad thing is that many of them do not realize the kind of image they are portraying while acting the part.  Getting schmammered does not make you more attractive to everyone around.  In fact, it usually does the opposite.  Honestly, would you hook up with someone that looks like the two hot mess pics above?  Would you be interested in starting a relationship with that person?  I highly doubt anyone would.

With that in mind, go out and have fun with your friends.  Just be aware of how you are presenting yourself to the world.  If you are hoping to catch someone's eye, make sure to do it in a genuine way; not by acting a fool.  You know your limits, so stay inside the lines.  It's easy to do have fun without getting crazy.  Let someone else headline the crazy stage and just enjoy the comedy show.

For some quality portrayals of the difference between sober and drunk thoughts check out Drunk-O-Vision on College Humor.  http://www.collegehumor.com/tag/drunk-o-vision/articles

Be You, Be Awesome!

We've all seen those chick flicks where the guy or girl will fall in love with this fake image of someone else.  Think movies like Aladdin, 27 Dresses, Never Been Kissed, She's All That, and of course, Pretty in Pink.  All of these have some form of this plot: girl is crazy about the boy so she fakes being the "perfect" girl for him, but when he falls for her she feels guilty and sad because he doesn't actually love her for who she is.  And, true to the perfect Hollywood ending, she confesses and *gasp* it turns out that he actually does love the real her and they live happily ever after.  Ha, yeah right.


Does anyone honestly believe that someone would live happily ever after with a complete faker and a liar?  I sure hope not because that person would definitely need a reality check.  Now, this all leads me to my advice for everyone: just be yourself.  Don't pretend to be something you aren't just to please the person you are attracted to.  This means don't pretend to love a certain band or type of TV shows just because you think he or she will like you more if you do.  There is nothing wrong with branching out and trying new things, but don't fake it.  If you do, he or she will then become attracted to this fake image and you are far from fake.  We all deserve someone that likes us for who we are, not who they wish we were.  Someone out there thinks you are awesome, so why settle for the guy or girl who thinks you are just ok?  Go out there and be your awesome self!

Summer Flings

It's summer time!!  So I send a huge congratulations to all my friends who just graduated.  I wish you all the best in your future, and most of all in your future relationships.  Happiness at home will help you grow and thrive at work!


Everyone gets happier in the summer.  It's a fact.  There's more sunshine which makes us produce more melatonin and serotonin, which are chemicals that make us happy.  Point proven: we love summer.  And who doesn't love a little summer romance?  It's a happy time of year so live it up, and if you get the chance, live it up with someone else.  I am all for summer flings.  I think they give you someone to go out and play volleyball, run, and goof around with.  Going outside to soak up all the sunshine is even more enjoyable when you are doing it with someone who shows you a good time.

That being said, take them as they are: flings.  If you go into a summer fling with the knowledge and expectations of it being short term, it has the potential to be a ton of fun.  If you are wanting something more serious than that, you better make sure the other person knows.  He or she may be looking for something more serious, but you don't want to be disappointed at the end of the summer if they cut the cord.

My advice on summer flings is try not to label it or categorize anything.  Just enjoy hanging out with everyone.  Spend time with the people you like and instead of wasting time trying to figure things out, spend more time with more people you like.  Take time to do the things you want and if you meet someone, just have fun with it.  Doing that will definitely make this an awesome summer.

Was that a date?

You just had a great time hanging out with an awesome person you're totally into.  You guys went to eat and ended up hanging out for hours just chatting.  But, since you never discussed it, was it a date?

Or, you meet at the bar to repay a drink you owe to someone.  One drink turns into four and you guys have really gotten to know each other.  After leaving, you think, did we just go on a date?

Hmm, my answer would be no.  Unless one of you said hey, let's go out sometime and that was what you two decided on, I wouldn't consider it an official date.  But who says you have to label everything?  Why can't you just call it a great time with an awesome person you are into?  Is there some kind of quota on official "dates" you must meet before getting into a relationship with someone?  Definitely not.  You can totally enter into a relationship with someone you just love to hang with but have never gone on an offical date together.  Chances are he or she will ask you out on a date once you are "dating".  Funny how those two words go together.  But, for now, don't stress about it!  Just enjoy kicking it with this great person, and if things are that awesome between you two there are sure to be official "dates" in the future.

In case you missed the message, I'm telling you to quit complicating things and just have fun!  It's supposed to be fun, not stressful.